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did you get engaged???
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
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