Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
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i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
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You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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