I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
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This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
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I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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