i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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