she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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