It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
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Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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