What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
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Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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