I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize