Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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