AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
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Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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