Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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