I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
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Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
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My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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