Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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