Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i wish my penis had a tongue
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
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We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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