remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
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I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
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Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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