I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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