I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
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I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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