Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize