oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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