I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
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"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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