i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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