Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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