I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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