took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
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I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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