so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
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I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
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I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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