I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
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Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
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omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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