Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
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Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
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My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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