I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
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He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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