soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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