Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
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I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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