Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize