she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
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when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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