you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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