I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
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Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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