I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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