remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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