is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
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you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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