This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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