Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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