Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
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She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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