Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
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She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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