apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
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i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need some magic done to my vagina
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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