Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
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