so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
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You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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