All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
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You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
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Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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