my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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