I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
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We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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