Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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