I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
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Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
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In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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