It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
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So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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